apartment A5

Naslov sporočila: apartment A5 Sre Apr 03, 2013 6:23 pm

tag, sebastian smitten

tiho sta se vzpenjala po hodniku, dokler nista dosegla vrat njenega stanovanja, ki so se nahajala čisto na koncu. hodnik je bil lično urejen; videlo se je, da je živela v enem najlepše ohranjenih stanovanj na tem koncu mesta, kar se niti ni zares kazalo v najemnini ali dodatnih stroških; rada je živela tukaj, počutila se je varno, četudi se je vse prepogosto počutila nekoliko.. osamljeno. ustavila se je pri vhodnih vratih in iz žepa svoje jakne potegnila ključe; ošinila ga je s pogledom, na obrazu pa ni pokazala kakega specifičnega čustva - in nato je ključ obrnila v ključavnici, vrata so se odklenila in porinila jih je naprej, da se je pred njima odprl teman prostor. z levico je potipala po steni ob vratih in kmalu našla stikalo; prostor pred njima se je razsvetlil in z glavo mu je pomignila, naj ne okleva in naj vstopi. za njim je v stanovanje vstopila še ona, vrata pa za seboj zaprla in jih zaklenila.

v tistem je pomislila, kako je pravzaprav pristala v tej situaciji; odločila se je, da bo teh nekaj ulic od kafiča, kjer je delala, pa do doma, enostavno prepešačila, česar sicer ni prav pogosto počela, ker je bila hoja dolga, nočna vročina pa nič manj prizanesujoča kot dnevna. zaključila je malo po deseti, potem pa hodila kakšnih dvajset minut, dokler ni ob pločniku zagledala silhuete; bližje, kot je bila, bolj je bilo jasno, da moški, ki se mu je približevala, ni bil v najboljšem stanju. in četudi je vedela, da morda ni najpametneje navezovati stikov s popolnimi neznanci - sploh po tem, kar se je zadnjič zgodilo na drugem koncu ulice -, je vseeno pristopila, ker se ji je preprosto zdelo moralno sporno kar takole odkorakati. tako je torej obstala in skušala moškega, ki ga je kasneje spoznala za sebastiana, prepričati, da potrebuje zdravniško oskrbo. bolj, kot ji je zagotavljal, da je z njim vse v redu, bolj jasno je bilo, da ni bilo tako in končno ga je, kdo ve kako, prepričala, da mora priti domov z njo in da bo ona poskrbela zanj. ko se je končno strinjal, se je na njenem obrazu jasno zarisalo znamenje presenečenja, kajti iskreno je pričakovala, da bo morala svoje sposobnosti prepričevanja uporabljati še cel večer. nenadoma sta ujela taksi in tukaj sta bila.

"počuti se kot doma," je nežno dejala, ob tem pa z roko nakazala po prostoru, ki se je kar svetil od čistega. ni mu imela namena težiti s tem, da se mora sezuti ali kaj podobnega, zaradi česar tudi svojih čevljev ni sezula. praviloma je to storila zmeraj, zdaj pa se je počutila, kot da bo šlo samo za nepomembno potezo, ki bi lahko delovala pretirano zategnjena. "vzela bom prvo pomoč.." je dodala, ko je jakno obesila na obešalnik in se zasukala, ob tem pa se je znova iz oči v oči srečala z njegovim pretepenim obrazom. o bog, le v kaj se je moral spustiti? odmaknila je pogled, da ne bi delovala, kot da bulji, nato pa se je sprehodila do majhne omarice pod oknom, poklenila, in iz nje potegnila majhno škatlico s prvo pomočjo.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Sre Apr 03, 2013 7:10 pm

zapletel se je v znatno večje težave kot običajno. ni sicer vedel zakaj, ampak nekateri ljudje niso znali poraza ponosno prenesti in so vse skupaj jemali osebno. sebastian ni spadal v to skupino, ampak ko je tega večera naletel na starega nasprotnika, ki ga je pred časom porazil, je vedel, da ga čakajo težave. tip je bil besen, poleg tega pa je s seboj pripeljal tudi nekaj prijateljev. mrzil je ljudi, ki še svojega ponosa niso znali braniti tako, kot bi ga morali. sebastian je bil človek pravil in visoko je cenil ponos ter tisto, kar je sam smatral kot 'pravo' stvar. čeprav tega njegova dejanja niso vedno kazala, je bil vsekakor pripravljen pomagati šibkim ali pa koga zaščitit pred kakšno izmed goril, ki so žrtve iskali v ljudeh, ki niso bili navajeni uličnega nasilja. včasih kar ni mogel verjeti, kako zelo se je njegovo življenje obrnilo od takrat, ko je bil otrok, celo najstnik – vse skupaj se je včasih zdela kot ponesrečena serija dogodkov, ampak saj ni mogel pomagati, življenje ga je naposled privedlo do te točke in če je to pomenilo, da je bil povsem pretepen naslonjen ob hladno steno na naključni ulici, medtem ko je lovil sapo in skušal čim manj premikati svoj prsni koš zaradi bolečine… prav.
dokler se ni ob njem ustavilo dekle. bila je precej vztrajna, to je moral priznati. sprva jo je hotel samo na hitro odpraviti – ni potreboval prijaznosti naključne neznanke, ker je znal vsaj načeloma poskrbeti sam zase in je v vsem skupaj videl nepotrebno dobroto, ki je ni hotel. zavrnil jo je; morda sprva celo preveč ostro, ampak saj si ni mogel pomagati, če pa je bila tako zelo vztrajna in ni hotela verjeti, da bo v redu. vztrajala je in sebastian ni imel energije, da bi se cel večer bodel z njo. poleg tega je obstajala verjetnost, da bi se druščina, ki ga je v takšne stanje spravila, vrnila. in če bi jo našli poleg njega… no ja, niso bili ravno najbolj prijazni ljudje. ko se je vdal, je bil njegov glas oster. ni bil preveč srečen in poleg tega ga je vse bolelo. do njenega stanovanja se je pustil odvleči samo zato, ker ni hotel še nje spraviti v nevarnost.
končno sta bila tam in nekaj je zamrmral v odgovor na njene besede, ker ga je vse preveč bolelo, da bi lahko iz sebe v tistem trenutku spravil kaj smiselnega. našel je svojo pot do kavča, čeprav so bili njegovi koraki težki zaradi količine udarcev in brc, ki jih je prejel. res je sovražil ljudi, ki niso znali normalno prenesti poraza. usedel se je in moral je priznati, da je bilo to kljub vsemu udobno. sledil ji je s pogledom in se ponovno namrščil, čeprav je zaradi prebite arkade pri tem začutil znatno količino bolečine. »poslušaj, res ne rabiš…« je začel, potem pa z roko nakazal proti škatlici, ki jo je držala v roki, »početi tega. v redu bom. znam poskrbeti zase. samo počakati moram, da razbolelost izgine,« ji je zatrdil in zastokal, ko se je premaknil na kavču. »imaš morda kakšno… tableto ali kaj podobnega? viski?« se je pozanimal, ne da bi premišljeval o smislu svojih besed. njegov pogled je ponovno obstal na škatlici v njenih rokah in počasi je zmajal z glavo. »glej, cynthia – saj si rekla, da si cynthia, ja?« je dvignil pogled proti njenim očem in se prvič v tem večeru potrudil za sled nasmeška, preden je nadaljeval, »saj res cenim to, dobra oseba si – pojma nimam, kaj počneš v tem mestu; ampak res se ne rabiš tako truditi. navajen sem na vse… to,« je z roko nekako nakazal na svoje pretepeno telo, preden je zaradi poteze začutil vnovično bolečino, ki je skremžila njegov obraz. »poleg tega,« se ni dal, preden se je prestavil in se nekoliko vzravnal na kavču, »sem popoln neznanec zate. si prepričana, da je v redu, da sem sploh tukaj?« morda se bo spravila k pameti, rekla ne in ga poslala domov. sebastian je bil vedno optimist.

tagged: cynthia. :3

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Sre Apr 03, 2013 8:04 pm

tag, sebastian smitten

sredi koraka je obstala, ko je pričel govoriti, nato pa čez nekaj trenutkov trmasto nadaljevala pot do kavča. na majhno okroglo mizico pred kavčem je odložila škatlico, ki je vsebovala neverjetno paleto najrazličnejših zdravil - sem je namreč spravljala tudi vse dodatne bedarije, ki jih je nakupila ali prejela in ki bi znale priti kdaj prav. kot zdaj, denimo. na prvi del njegovega monologa ni odgovorila. obstala je pred njim in z rahlo namrščenim pogledom preletela njegovo telo, ki je zdaj, ob sobni svetlobi, izgledalo veliko huje prebito, kot je izgledalo prej, v soju ulične svetilke. "emm, ja, imam.." je počasi prikimala, zavedajoč se, da močnega alkohola - razen tistega, za razkuževanje ran - v stanovanju nima. vseeno se je sprehodila do kuhinje; natančno je vedela, kaj je tam. v omari ob hladilniku je bilo drago belo vino, najmanj močno, a izredno kvalitetno. v predalu na drugi strani, ob umivalniku, je bil cel kup tablet, celo nekaj vikodina, ki ga je na recept dobila, ko si je pred dvema letoma prelomila nogo ob padcu. škatlico je dvignila predse in si jo previdno ogledala, kot bi se spraševala, če je primerno, da mu ta zdravila preda. na koncu je sklenila, da bo dobro.

vrnila se je v dnevni prostor, ki ga je od kuhinje ločevala obokana stena. znova je obstala pred njim in prisluhnila njegovim besedam. razumela je vzrok njegove razdraženosti, a vsaj tokrat se ni imela namena kar takole vdati. vsakič, ko je na njegovem obrazu ujela znak bolečine, se je razumevajoče nasmehnila. končno je tudi škatlico z vikodinom odložila na mizico, kamor je prej položila prvo pomoč, in se še za dodaten korak približala temu močnemu moškemu, ki ga ni poznala - a mu je želela pomagati. za nekaj časa je med njima nastala tišina - iskala je besede, na koncu pa je vendarle začela: "ne morem te pustiti takšnega.." zmajala je z glavo. "ne morem kar.. iti mimo, kot da se nič ni zgodilo." je na takem principu delovalo to mesto? da si šel mimo, ko si opazil človeka, ki trpi? fizično, psihično, saj je bilo vseeno; ona ni bila takšna. ni mogla iti mimo, ko je vedela, da lahko pomaga. ne samo, da ni mogla - ni hotela. zavedala se je nevarnosti, v katero se je znova zapletala, a na sebastianu ni čutila tistih nevarnih vibracij, ki jih je tedaj denimo oddajal theo. nekaj drugačnega je bilo na njem.

"zdaj si tako že tukaj," se je končno nežno nasmehnila, ko je poklenila k njemu in si pobliže ogledala rane na njegovem obrazu. na levi obrvi se mu je kri že osušila, a rana je izgledala resno; podpludbe pod očmi so bile naravnost grozljive, po celotnem obrazu pa je bilo mogoče videti majhne ranice, ki so se ena za drugo vrstile iz same hudobije, da bi bil obraz videti še huje. "zdaj več nima smisla, da odideš," je nežno skomignila z rameni. če je že prišel do sem.. "mi boš torej dovolil, da ti pomagam?" njen tih glasek je bil kljub vsemu odločen; znova se je postavila na noge in segla po tabletah, ki jih je prinesla. "menda je močna zadeva. ne vem, nisem poskušala." takrat ni čutila ekstremne bolečine, zato so se ji tablete zdele nepotrebne. "edini alkohol, ki ga imam tukaj, je belo vino.." je nato namrščeno zamomljala, upajoč, da to ne bo prehudo. "lahko ti ponudim vodo ali sok ali čaj, če ti ni do vina."

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Pon Apr 08, 2013 11:11 am

celotna situacija je delovala povsem nenaravno. dejansko ni točno vedel, kaj je počel tukaj – kako se je sploh lahko znašel v tem majhnem, okusno opremljenem stanovanju, za katerega ni dvomil, da je eno izmed blje urejenih v tem predelu mesta. in navsezadnje, kdo sploh je bilo to dekle? svetlolasa in prikupna, na njenem obrazu pa je bilo nekaj tako zelo naravnega, zaradi česar je nekaj trenutkov preživel tako, da je zgolj strmel vanjo, preden se je zavedel nevljudnosti svojega ravnanja in umaknil pogled ter se odkašljal, da bi pozornost preusmeril drugam – čeprav se je kašelj končal bolj klavrno, ko ga je zbodlo nekje pri pljučih. »ne zveniš preveč prepričano,« je zmogel nasmešek, čeprav ni točno vedel, zakaj točno. ampak nekaj je bilo na njej, kar ga je počasi, ampak zanesljivo pomirjalo. morda že od trenutka, ko ga je objela domačnost njenega stanovanja in ga je spravila do kavča – ni mogel biti več nesramen, brezobziren kreten, ampak saj takšen navsezadnje ni hotel biti nikoli; ne zares.
»lahko bi,« je odvrnil na njene besede, ne da bi dobro vedel, od kod se je znašel tisti drobec upornosti v njegovem glasu, ki je zdaj bolj spominjal na trmo. »lahko bi šla mimo, pozabila name in preživela povsem miren večer. jaz bi poskrbel zase; sčasoma, ampak zagotovo,« ji je zagotovil in potem sam pri sebi zavzdihnil, ko se je slišal. »ampak prav, pozabi. zdaj sem tukaj,« je na koncu le izpostavil očitno. »prijetno imaš urejeno,« je dodal, morda zato, ker je čutil nekaj slabe vesti, ko je ugotovil, kako se je do nje obnašal. hotela mu je samo pomagati, ampak po resnici povedano sebastian niti ni bil vajen pomoči in tako jo je povsem samodejno zavrnil. tako so stvari delovale v njegovem življenju in v tem mestu. pomoč si dobil, če si za seboj imel četico varnostnikov in drugih ljudi, ki bi te bili pripravljeni nemudoma oskrbeti, čeprav ne zaradi lastne želje, temveč zaradi mastnega čeka, ki so ga za to dobili. ona pa… ona je bila drugačna. mila, dokaj nežna in do skrajnosti nedolžna, kot jo je na hitro ocenil. ni mogel biti tisti grobijan, ki je bil običajno. bilo bi… ah, k vragu, bilo bi narobe.
pokleknila je k njemu in pozorno je spremljal njeno početje. ko mu je ponudila tablete, je vzel tablico in si jih ogledal, potem pa izluščil eno izmed tabletk in jo pogoltnil. »v redu bo,« je dejal in se sam pri sebi nasmehnil. »in v bistvu mi je vseeno, kaj mi ponudiš. vodo?« je dejal in se sam pri sebi nasmehnil, potem pa počasi zmajal z glavo. »nisem navajen prijaznosti ljudi… vsaj ne na takšen način,« je rekel z nekoliko tišjim glasom, medtem ko si je ogledovala škodo na njegovem telesu. nekaj časa je ostal tiho in jo spremljal s pogledom. »nisi od tukaj, kajne?« jo je vprašal, preden se je nekoliko namrščil ob njenem početju in se zadržal, da se ni zdrznil. presneto, ta reč je bila bolj boleča, kot bi pričakoval. iz sebe je izpustil manjši vzdih, preden je pogled spet dvignil do njenih oči. »sebastian,« se je le predstavil, čeprav tega prej sploh ni imel namena narediti, ker je hotel le to, da bi ga pustila pri miru.

tagged: cynthia. :3

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Tor Apr 16, 2013 9:07 am

tag, sebastian smitten

sramežljivo se je nasmehnila, ko je tako nepričakovano hitro opazil njeno negotovost in jo ustrezno pokomentiral. na njena lica se je kakopak naselila sramežljiva rdečica, čisti standard, ki ga je dnevno prakticirala v pogovoru z.. hja, ljudmi. "ne bi mogla iti mimo," je zatrdila in zmajala z glavo, med tem pa mu dala vedeti, da ne gre zanj, ampak zanjo. ona ni bila tip človeka, ki bi lahko drugega pustil v.. takšnem stanju. razumela je, da se je priselila v okrutno mesto, ki ni premoglo veliko simpatije do sočloveka, a ona se zaradi okolice ni imela namena spreminjati. če je lahko pomagala, zakaj pri vragu tega ne bi storila? takšnih ljudi ni razumela; sama ni znala skloniti pogleda in iti mimo, kot se ne bi zgodilo nič. kako okruten človek pa si vendar za kaj takega moral biti? namuznila se je, ko se je njen gost končno odločil, da njegovo ugovarjanje več nima smisla in se nekako vdal v usodo, ki ga je - vsaj dokler ga ne zakrpa - zadržala v njenem stanovanju.

"hvala," se je hvaležno nasmehnila, ko je pohvalil njen okus za dekorativnost, čeprav je sumila, da je to rekel samo zavoljo pogovora. nič ni bilo narobe s tem; hvaležna je bila, da se je bil pripravljen potruditi. sploh pa je bila s stanovanjem tudi sama ekstremno zadovoljna; bilo je dovolj veliko, vedno čisto, prav krasno urejeno. "si prepričan?" se je pozanimala iz same vljudnosti, kajti odpreti buteljke ji prav tako ne bi bil problem; žalostilo jo je zgolj dejstvo, da ni imela prav veliko ponuditi, ker sta, več kot očitno, prihajala iz povsem različnih svetov. spravila se je na noge in se kajkmalu vrnila s kozarcem, ki ga je ponudila svojemu uničenemu gostu. "mesto je kruto," je zamrmrala, ko je zdaj sedla na kavč zraven njega in v svojem naročju odprla škatlico s prvo pomočjo ter si ogledala njeno vsebino. cel kup nenavadnih etiket. v rahlo tresoče roke je prijela eno izmed majhnih tubic in skrbno prebrala opis zdravila, da ne bi uporabljala česa, kar ne bi smelo biti uporabljeno; med tem je tiho nadaljevala: "ne razumem, kako so ljudje lahko tako.." malce je premolknila. "mislim, reči hočem samo, da ni prav, takole pustiti človeka v.. ranjenem stanju, namreč.." govorila je previdno; jasno je bilo, da je apelirala nanj in na absurdnost dejstva, da na obljudeni ulici, ki sicer zvečer ni imela toliko prometa kot čez dan - pa vendar! - nihče ni poskrbel za tega neznanca.

na majhen kosec gaze - v škatlici jih je bilo cel kup - je, po tem ko se je prepričala, da je tuba, ki jo drži v roki, prava, nanesla nekaj maže. spomnila je, da je to že uporabljala.. in da je bilo precej neprijetno, a vsekakor uporabno. sredstvo za razkuževanje in celjenje. "morda te bo nekoliko zapeklo," ga je nežno opozorila, preden je dvignila dlan k njegovemu čelu in s tem majhnim prtičkom nežno zdrsela nad njegovim očesom, kjer je zevala velikanska rana. navsezadnje je gazico pritisnila ob rano; videla je lahko, kako se je njegovo telo napelo, najbrž od bolečine. ničesar ni rekla; zdelo se ji je, da je bil ta njen novi znanec vseeno preveč ponosen za kaj takšnega. tako ali tako je predolgo trajalo, da ga je spravila sem in s svojimi besedami ga ni želela odgnati. "ne," se je nasmehnila in ujela njegov pogled. "je tako očitno?" zakaj, ker je bila edina v tem ušivem mestu, ki se je bila pripravljena ustaviti in pomagati? široko se je nasmehnila, ko ji je končno zaupal svoje ime in počasi je prikimala. lepo je bilo čutiti, da njegov odklonilen odnos pojenja.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Tor Apr 23, 2013 4:23 pm

kako je bilo sploh mogoče, da je obstajal nekdo, podoben njej? od kod za vraga se je vzela? pa saj sebastian je načeloma verjel v to, da so bili ljudje dobri nekje v notranjosti, čeprav je pri nekaterih dobrota bila zakopana zelo, zelo globoko. a ne pri dekletu pred njim. rahlo se je namrščil sam pri sebi, kar je deloma pripisal bolečini in deloma dejstvu, da ga je še vedno vse bolelo, medtem ko je pogled uprl naravnost vanjo. načeloma je bil dober pri presojanju karakterjev, ampak nekako mu to z nji ni najbolj šlo. dvignil je pogled ob njenem vprašanju in prikimal. »popolnoma prepričan,« je dejal s senco nasmeška na obrazu, čez nekaj trenutkov pa hvaležno sprejel kozarec in naredil nekaj požirkov ter ga odložil. vse skupaj je bilo tako zelo nenavadno, da se je začelo zdeti skoraj običajno, pa čeprav sebastian nikoli ni dovoljeval ljudem, da bi skrbeli zanj ali mu olajševali življenje ali karkoli podobnega. morda ji je ravno zaradi tega tako skrbno sledil s pogledom in ni mu ušla niti ena sama poteza, ki jo je izvedla. usedla se je poleg njega in neodobravajoč pogled je spustil na škatlo s prvo pomočjo in potem spregovorila, ob čemer je narahlo zmajal z glavo. »ni samo to,« je dejal in se zaradi nekega razloga odločil, da ne bo povsem očrnil mesta v njenih očeh. »mesto je pač mesto. ljudje so tisti, ki počnejo stvari. grde stvari. nekateri ljudje so zelo slabi. vsekakor upam, da imaš s seboj kakšen majhen solzilec ali kaj podobnega; dekletu kot si ti, bi lahko prišel prav,« je pokimal ob svojih besedah. pa saj ni mislil nič slabega, ampak na ulicah je bilo cel kup barab in ne bi si mogla ravno kaj veliko pomagati. kdo bi jo lahko pohrustal za večerjo, ampak če bi imela kaj priročnega, kot na primer solzilec, bi bilo njeno življenje lažje. videl jih je že; majhne stekleničke so zdaj prodajali že praktično povsod. sicer ni vedel, zakaj ga je zanjo tako zaskrbelo, ampak tudi prav. »poleg tega sem si bil bržkone sam kriv. nisem najbolj… priljubljena oseba,« se je sam pri sebi nasmehnil, deloma še vedno presenečen nad tem, da ga je sprejemala tako naravno in povsem brez strahu ali želje po tem, da bi vedela, kdo je. nič od tega ji ni bilo pomembno in to… to je bilo nekaj novega.
rekla je, da ga bo samo malce zapeklo, zdaj pa je začutil ostro, skoraj skelečo bolečino, ob katerem se je njegovo celotno telo napelo. k vragu z vsem skupaj, zato ponavadi ni skrbel za rane na takšen način. stisnil je zobe, ne da bi se premaknil ali iz sebe spravil kakršnegakoli zvoka. na srečo je preusmerila njegove misli in pogled je spet dvignil do nje. »ni tako zelo očitno… ampak ne vem, nekaj je na tebi,« se je odločil za pojasnilo, ki ga še sam ni v celoti razumel. morda je bilo tudi to, da je bila pretirano prijazna in pripravljena pomagati, da, ampak bolj kot to je bilo na njej nekaj nedoločenega, kar ga je begalo. »torej, kaj počneš v tem mestu? imaš tu družino, prijatelje ali kaj podobnega?« se je pozanimal, deloma tudi zato, da bi končno nehala tiščati gazo na njegovo lice, ker je to dejansko začenjalo res boleti.

tagged: cynthia. :3

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Čet Apr 25, 2013 2:57 pm

tag, sebastian smitten

"pri nas ni bilo tako," je zamišljeno odkimala, ko je s pogledom zdrsela po njegovih močnih potolčenih rokah. spraševala se je, kdo mu je to naredil, kako je sploh prišlo do tega. ni si znala predstavljati, da bi lahko bil človek tako oster do sočloveka; morda je sama zares odraščala v milnem mehurčku, in vendar se ji je zdela stvar nerealna. "nikoli nisem.." nasmehnila se je lastni naivnosti in iskrenosti. morda si je vendarle drznila preveč, ko je takole slepo zaupala neznancem, a ob tem močnem možu, ki je kljub njeni majcenosti sprejel povabilo in si dovolil priti v njeno stanovanje, v njeno zasebno sfero, da bi mu očistila rane - moškemu ponosu navkljub - je zaupala. "odraščala sem v okolici, kjer takšni ljudje niso obstajali. grobi, brezčutni ljudje." nasmehnila se je; njeni spomini na samostan so bili čudoviti. življenje tukaj.. hja, bilo je veliko bolj neodvisno, veliko bolj težko, istočasno pa ji je ta samostojnost prijala. skrajni čas je bil, da izoblikuje osebo iz sebe in zdelo se ji je, da bo tukaj to res lahko storila. ko ji je predlagal solzivec, se je le nasmehnila; dvomila je, da ga bo potrebovala, ni bila namreč človek, ki bi rinil v težave.

"kako da ne?" se je s sledjo nasmeška na obrazu pozanimala, ko so se njene oči znova srečale z njegovimi. ni si mislila, da bo takole samoiniciativno priznal, da je bila krivda za udarce njegova; četudi bi bila, bi dvomila, da bi to kakršenkoli moški kar takole rekel. ta.. ta je bil nenavaden, poseben na svoj način. "si kaj takega naredil?" se je pozanimala, skorajda pričakujoč pritrdilen odgovor. nekaj je bilo na sebastianu, nekaj izredno nenavadnega, skorajda netipičnega za človeka, kakršen je bil. za vtis, ki ga je dajal.

opazila je napetost njegovega telesa in v trenutku, ko jo je zaznala, je krpico odmaknila od njegovega obraza. "oprosti," se je opravičujoče nasmehnila, zavedajoč se, da ga je očitno rana prekleto skelela; sama kakopak ni mogla imeti občutka, navsezadnje ni bila ona tista s preklanim obrazom. "ampak zdaj je bolje, vidiš?" se je skorajda ljubeče nasmehnila, ko je vzela v roke čisto krpico, jo nekoliko ovlažila in z ekstremno nežnostjo potegnila po njegovi koži, da bi iz nje obrisala nepotrebno kri. nato je iz škatlice izbezljala enega izmed tistih močnih obližev, ga odprla in ga prilepila na njegovo arkado. nasmehnila se je besedam, ki ji jih je namehnil in skomignila z rameni, med tem pa se je na njena lica prikradla rdečica, posledica domnevnega komplimenta, ki ji ga je namenil. "ne.. sama sem," se je znova nasmehnila, tokrat sramežljivo; navsezadnje je le malokomu govorila o tem, od kod pravzaprav prihaja. "prišla sem, da bi pobegnila pred starim življenjem, naj se to sliši tako klišejsko," je zamrmrala, ko je po škatli iskala za novo gazo, jo namočila v kremo in z njo nekajkrat potegnila po majhnih ranah in razpokah, ki jih je imel na licu. njena zgodba, za razliko od večine, ni bila klišejska. a kdo bi ji verjel, kajne? "si ti tukaj od nekdaj?" je nadaljevala njun klepet, ko je znova odstranila s krvjo umazano gazo in njegovo lice pogladila s čisto, nato pa se nehote znova srečala z njegovimi očmi.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Čet Apr 25, 2013 10:22 pm

za trenutek se je vprašal, kako ga sploh dekle vidi. bi bilo možno, da jo je na nekoga spominjal in mu je zaradi tega tako zelo nesebično priskočila na pomoč? ampak to možnost je kar hitro odvrgel, ko se je zazrl v njene oči in tam opazil nekaj, kar je bilo dejansko sumljivo podobno tisti nesebičnosti, ki je ni bil nikoli navajen. kako bi lahko bil? že od malih nog se je soočal s sebičnimi ljudmi; skozi srednjo šolo je spoznaval, da so bili določeni ljudje tako sebični, da so zavrgli povsem vse standarde, da bi dosegli nekaj zase. in zdaj je bil odrasel; v resničnem svetu pa je bila sebičnost nekaj, s čimer se je srečal praktično na vsakem koraku. torej, kako je bila ona sploh mogoča tukaj? nenadoma ga je skoraj zaskrbelo zanjo, ko je ugotovil, da ne bo dolgo mogla ostati v tistem varnem zavetju česarkoli že. mesto jo bo prej kot slej dobilo med zobe in to je bila skoraj zastrašujoča misel, sploh ko jo je spet premeril s pogledom, kar je neprestano počel, kot da bo hotel preveriti, če je bila sploh resnična. »potem se lahko šteješ za srečno osebo,« je komentiral njene besede, čeprav je bila ta sreča prej dvorezen meč kot pa kaj drugega. navsezadnje je tako poznala samo prijetne ljudi, ki jih tu naokrog ni bilo veliko. ah, k vragu, od kdaj se je on obremenjeval s tem?
»najbrž,« se je odločil za kratek in dokaj jedrnat odgovor ob njenih besedah. prav, morda je pretepel nekega kretena in mu obenem povedal nekaj krepkih, tip pa tega ni znal športno prenesti. to ni bil njegov problem. no ja, zdaj je bil njegov problem, ko je bil takole popolnoma razbit, ampak sicer se s tem ne bi obremenjeval. »reciva, da imam nenavadne hobije,« se je zdaj nasmehnil on in skomignil z rameni, ker proti temu res ni nič mogel. potreboval je tisto dozo adrenalina in tisti podzemni pretepi so bili najboljši način, da ga je dobil.
poslušal jo je. to je imelo veliko smisla, čeprav mu je bilo žal čudovitega dekleta pred njim. boljše življenje v filadelfiji – to je bila zgodba, ki je zagotovo vodila k nesrečnemu zaključku. »veliko sreče pri tem,« je spregovoril; povsem iskreno, medtem ko je z dlanjo segel proti obrazu in preveril staje. dobro ga je pokrpala, to je moral priznati. »rojen sem bil tukaj, ampak vmes sem tudi potoval, čeprav sem večino časa preživel tukaj,« je odgovoril na njeno vprašanje in si vzel nekaj trenutkov, da je pozorno preučil njene oči in vse, kar se je skrivalo v njih. »mesto ti zleze pod kožo,« jo je na svoj način opozoril in upal, da jo bo naslednjič videl prav takšno, kot je bila zdaj. brez sprememb – opaznih ali neopaznih. nenadoma je ujel njeno dlan in se počasi nasmehnil. »cynthia, hvala ti za vse. cenim to in vsekakor si osupljiva oseba,« je dejal, medtem ko se je počasi vzravnal in pogled uprl k njej. »ampak zdaj bom moral iti. se še vidiva kaj naokrog,« je rekel, stopil do vrat in se še zadnjič obrnil proti njej s popolnoma iskrenim nasmeškom na obrazu. »oh, in dobrodošla v filadelfiji.«

the end.

tagged: cynthia. :3

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 05, 2013 3:37 pm

tag; lovely cynthia srcek

he wasn’t exactly sure how this whole thing happened. well, that wasn’t entirely true. the café he found on his first day in town was small and quaint, not really his type but for some reason he felt oddly drawn to it. why exactly? he found that on his third visit there. the fair haired waitress that poured him coffee with a gentle smile lodged herself in his brain, and even thought it took him about two weeks to say something more other than ‘hi’ and ‘nice to see you again’ to her, he felt like he knew her. the way her face drew in when she couldn’t figure something out, or how she smiled on sunny days. cynthia. that was her name – he asked her after much deliberation, and soon they were talking. a few minutes here and there, then he started coming in deliberately late. and lingered on when she was closing up, when the other customers left. he was bordering on stalking behavior, but when she didn’t seem to mind, ethan couldn’t stay away. she was… fresh. pleasant. uncomplicated, as far as he could tell. and he liked talking to her. they never went into anything deep, just the simple stuff. an article they both read. or a movie they saw. they laughed, and talked and then he kissed her. it was an impulse, god he had no idea what he was doing. she seemed far too innocent for him. he wasn’t exactly a cad, but he was no monk either. besides, his life was complicated enough without dragging her into it. but he couldn’t help himself. maybe it was the wine they opened, or the lateness of the night, but they were going back to her place. it wasn’t smart, hell it was anything but smart, but here they were. ethan held her hand in his and stole kisses from her on the way, gazing in her eyes, trying to figure out if she wanted this. she seemed so guarded sometimes, especially when it came to her personal life. yet, she kissed him back. and here they were. “nice place…” he muttered, his throat suddenly very dry, when the doors closed behind them and he took a look around. it was a nice place, much nicer than his dump and he was instantly happy they decided on hers. “come here,” he murmured, his voice husky as he drew her in his arms and kissed her again, slowly, carefully. the passion was building inside him, he could feel it low in his belly, but they were in no hurry. he just wanted to enjoy the night, enjoy her. “where’s your bedroom?” he asked, spying the doors in the distance, navigating them towards, kissing her all the while. “you’re so beautiful.” it was the truth, she was so fucking beautiful, he had no words. so instead he just lowered her on the mattress, covering her body with his and kissing her again.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 05, 2013 5:34 pm

tag, ethan smitten

how could she have overlooked the gazes and the winks this unknown man had been sending in her direction for weeks now? she might have responded differently, had she not experienced everything that happened in august, but in all fairness, she was a different person now. she was not a child anymore, she was a woman and by changing thus, her reactions to the world around her changed as well. perhaps she really did become more strong, perhaps her perspectives changed, however it might have been, she felt as if she had more insight to what was happening around her then she did ever before. and yet in all that.. she felt utterly, utterly lost. as god has forsaken her, she decided to forget herself along the way; this new cynthia was a stranger even to herself and she would need a miracle to change it. she would never be the same again. her sweet innocence was lost and what was perhaps shaped as a heart, was actually ice in her body.

and by realizing that, she suddenly felt the urge to accept the new world, the new person she was and all that came with it. perhaps that was why she was prepared to open that glass of vine - she didn't even drink alcohol before -, perhaps it was also the reason she let this unknown man into her life, knowing absolutely nothing about him. she had learned her lesson with theo first and with her rapist second, but now she was prepared to go one way or the other, she didn't even care where the scale would land. she would give her body to him if he was gentle and she might just as well shoot his head off with theo's gun, had he decided to become brutal.

she lit up the lights in the apartment and closed the door behind them. "thank you," she said emptily, as she put down her purse on a table in the hall. she was doing this to herself, torturing herself on purpose, it seemed, as she slowly walked up to him, knowing she did not want not one or the other scenario that she had prepared in her head. his lips touched hers, yet she did not feel a thing; he was so gentle, so kind, she couldn't even imagine him raising his hand upon her, but still she didn't trust him. not what so ever. "come here," she answered, as she caught his hand and lead him to her bedroom doors. she never had anyone here before; he was the first man to violate the intimacy of this room, yet again, it felt like nothing special. she let him gently lay her on the bed; she didn't respond to his words, she had nothing to say. she didn't even know what to do, except to lie there and wait for him to do his thing. she returned the kiss he gave her, then she pushed him away for a bit, so that she could get rid of her silk dress with one simple move. her lips landed on his again, and then she slowly and gently whispered, "fuck me," into his ear, almost too softly for the perverse purpose of her words.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 05, 2013 5:51 pm

tag; lovely cynthia srcek

she was beautiful, that was the only thing going through his head as he laid her down. if he hadn’t been so consumed with desire and his own problems, he might’ve realized sooner something was off. she was always quiet, but she seemed to want this. she seemed to want him. he didn’t mind being gentle, as a matter of fact he wanted it. yearned for it. he fucked so many women over the years he lost count. he couldn’t even say they slept together, because that would involve some level of intimacy, something they never shared. they just fucked, so they weren’t alone when the morning came. together they could bury their demons and fears. sometimes it was just so much easier getting naked with someone, to just forget about the world for a few moments. and that’s what he thought they were doing now. obviously, she went through some stuff, they all did. he could see that from a mile away. survivors recognized each other, the haunted eyes, the pained expressions. maybe that’s why he was so attracted to her. that, and she was freaking spectacular. he moaned softly in her mouth as they tongues found each other, and roamed his hand all over her body. she had no flaws, at least not that he could see. so what happened to this sweet innocent girl, to make her so shy, so cautious? he wanted to find out, wanted to come to the bottom of things. and her. “oh god, cynthia.” his moan came out almost involuntarily when she took off her dress, leaving her only in her underwear. gorgeous, silk underwear. “I need to be inside you.” it was the most honest truth he could muster in that moment, and in one quick motion he got rid of his shirt and discarded it to the floor, next to her skirt. his upper torso was covered in tattoos he got over the years, and girls seemed to like that. he kissed her, again and again, kissing her neck, her silky breasts and then lover over her stomach until her reached the edge of her panties. “gorgeous.” he muttered. he kissed the material and then travelled upwards, still in no hurry. he wanted to enjoy her. ethan finished undressing himself, then unclasped her bra and slipped off her panties, until there were no more barriers between them. absolutely nothing could beat the feeling of skin to skin in his book, and cynthia felt good. in fact she felt amazing. he searched for his pants and found a condom in his back pocket, kissing her all the while he put it on. he might be a selfish bastard sometimes, but he could sleep safely at night, knowing there weren’t any fatherless children in the world like he was. he encircled her with his arms and kissed her again, her eyes, her nose positioning himself on top of her. fuck me. her words still echoed in his head, so unlike her and yet they did things to him. he was so hard already he could barely stand it, but for some reason he could still keep himself in check. he had to be gentle, it was his gut feeling. she just felt so precious in his hands. he entered her in one slow move, groaning when he was buried in her. “oh god, you feel so good.” he murmured against her hair as he started to move, then kissing her lips, her salty cheeks… wait. he paused for a second and frowned. why were her lips salty? was she… was she crying? oh god she was. “oh my god, did I hurt you? are you crying?” still inside her he raised himself on his hands looking down at her in concern, completely shell shocked.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 05, 2013 6:49 pm

tag, ethan smitten

she remained silent as his lips continued to caress her skin. she smiled a bit, as he almost moaned the reason he was here. of course he did, of course he wanted to be inside, although she couldn't really understand why he felt this need to be close to her. where the craving came from and why he felt the urge to make love to her, to her out of all the waitresses in the world. was there something about a woman in an apron that turned men on? or was it just her - was it her fault, was she, even though she didn't mean to, implying something sexual as she was taking their orders? was she somehow enchanting them, not even knowing it? did she bring the rape on herself as well? her mind was racing, but only one in a thousand thoughts was actually dealing with her current situation. she couldn't be further away from him; at the same time, it seemed as if he wanted her even closer than she physically already was. she wasn't prepared to go there.

he covered her body in soft kisses that could and should probably feel like heaven; she, contrary to that, was completely numb. could she really have brought everything on herself, not even realizing it? theo picked her up in the same cafe, and it seemed he was going to fuck her senseless just the same, if something hadn't stopped him in the middle. her tears, perhaps. her rapist, unfortunately, was not so responsive to her cries. as he was kissing her body, she leaned her head on his shoulder, softly kissing his neck, but not at all feeling like it was something she had done willingly. perhaps she really did need this, she needed men to hurt her one way or another, at this point she wasn't even prepared to fight back. just do it already. "oohhh god," she moaned quietly as she felt him inside her. it was a pleasant pain, but still, it meant absolutely nothing. actually, it was more painful that it was pleasant; it just felt like rape all over again, except that she was too weak at this point to fight back. he was sweet, he was gentle, yet he was in control and she knew it. she could do nothing, she couldn't push him off, the only thing left to do was to let him use her and abuse her in any way he could ever want; at this point, she was already screaming inside, dying from unspeakable pain. he had no idea.

and then at some point, she simply started crying. she remained completely silent, but tears were running down her cheeks. she felt so damn violated, she felt dead inside, she felt helpless and weak and the only thing she could do is to cry. to cry out all the pain that she felt, the pain she couldn't even express with words. her eyes were strongly closed, as he remained to push himself inside her, kissing her all over her face. and then it stopped. she opened her eyes, just to find him watching her, almost in a frightened way. she raised her hand and wiped off the tears with the back of it. "i'm fine," she murmured, feeling completely exposed in front of him. "you didn't hurt me, i'm fine," she said with a weak voice that proved otherwise. "just.." her hand reached around the back of his neck, pushing his head down to her, kissing his lips almost impatiently.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 05, 2013 7:20 pm

tag; lovely cynthia srcek

this wasn’t happening. ethan felt so lost, like he had been sleepwalking and he just woke up, in the middle of this situation he didn’t know how to fix. hell, he didn’t even know what was the matter. she was the most spectacular girl he’d seen in forever. it got harder and harder for him to get attracted to girls. not turned on, he was after all a guy, and seeing a pretty girl did things to him. but seriously attracted, not just physically. it only happened a few times in his life, but for some reason everyone kept fucking leaving him. ethan was starting to think that maybe, it was his fault. after all, if it happens once, that yeah okay. tough luck. twice? that’s life. but if every single meaningful connection you have with people, romantic or otherwise ends in disaster? well then maybe you should take a good hard fucking look at your life. and here he was, thinking they’re having a great night – they had wine, some pleasant conversation and she invited him with her. i mean it was obvious they were going to have sex right? and he didn’t exactly push her into anything, she went willingly, that much he was certain. but as soon as he saw her tear streaked face, he knew something was wrong. very wrong. like a series of images their night together played back in his head, and the fact she was at times less then responsive to his touch. robotic wasn’t the right word, but looking back, yeah she definitely wasn’t as into it as one might’ve hoped.

“no, wait, stop.” he muttered and pulled her away when she kissed him. this wasn’t happening, not like this. she was obviously upset over something, I mean she was bawling her eyes out for christ sake. he wasn’t that desperate to keep going. it was a wonder he managed to keep her hard on. “tell me what’s wrong? did i do something, i mean you were fine, just seconds ago I mean…” he narrowed his eyes at her, coming to a horrific realization. “wait, you, you… you wanted this right?” since when did he stutter? fuck she was wrapping his head in. “I mean I know we had something to drink but, if you didn’t want this you could’ve just..” wincing he pulled out, and it literally took the last ounce of strength and self-restrain and he sat up. “cynthia just… just tell me what the fuck is going on.” he ask, his voice unintentionally harsh. this was so not the way this night was supposed to go. no woman has ever cried in his bed. okay, there was one that cried, but it was afterwards because she was just so ‘happy’. and cynthia definetly did not look happy. in fact she looked pretty freaked out. well fuck it, so did he. this was so messed up he didn’t exactly know what to do with himself, so he shifted slightly, leaning over her and brushed her tears away with his thumb. why was someone so pretty so sad? it broke his fucking heart for some reason. ethan couldn’t remember when was the last time he ached for someone as bad as he did now for this girl, wanting to know what was wrong, and if he caused it. he wanted to take her in his arms, but for some reason he just felt she needed her space right now, so he remained in his seating position, waiting.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 05, 2013 7:50 pm

tag, ethan smitten

she pushed her away and that was it; she knew it was over, although she wasn't exactly sure whether she wanted it to end or not. at this point, she was, strangely, quite displeased with how things went. she wanted him to fuck her, she so desperately needed to feel something, even if it was the pain that was slowly killing her.. it was more than enough. she hated the numb feeling that was devouring her body; even the pain, the blinding pain.. was better that this. "i.." she wanted to explain, she really did, but words wouldn't make sense. they did, to her they did, but she knew he wouldn't understand. so she just remained silent, when a ton of questions burst from his lips. "i wanted this. i still do," she said completely emotionless, when he pulled himself out. she threw her head back onto the bed, turning his face away from his. was this necessary? this.. talk. this completely unneeded talk about things she'd rather keep buried inside. this was her pain, it was hers alone and she felt absolutely no need whatsoever to share it with anyone. had she shared it, he would certainly not be the first one she'd tell. she didn't even know her, for the love of god! he had no god damn idea and she surely wasn't about to burst into song about the events past.

her thin fingers ran down the floral print on the sheets, feeling miles away. was it even possible that she felt even more absent than she did before they started taking off their clothes? it now felt as if not he nor she felt the need to continue, so where was the point, really? her eyes were filled with an unknown sort of sadness as her mind came to realize.. she's completely alone. she could be with anyone, and yet still she would feel abandoned in the silence of her mind. "there's nothing.." she started, stumbling on her own words, "nothing to talk about." she paused, turning her head so that now she could stare into the ceiling. nothing interesting to look at there, either.

she finally turned her face back, looking directly into his eyes. she wasn't about to tell him anything, he didn't need to know these things. the only thing he really needed to know was that she was damaged in a way, and he probably did figure out that one already. "i just," she murmured awkwardly, "i just got carried away and i got sentimental for a while." she could lie so easily; it was almost incredible, how much she had changed since she first came here about a year ago. she was a completely different person; she hated herself for it, yet there was no way to go back to who she once was. she was utterly lost and nothing in the world could change it, nothing in the world could change how she felt. the only thing that could make her smile sincerely was the thought of vengeance. it was so uncharacteristic, yet it felt so right. "but i'm fine, really, i am," she said with an obviously faked smile upon her lips. she wasn't fine, she never could be.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Pon Maj 06, 2013 6:02 pm

tag; lovely cynthia srcek

it was as if she changed in front of his eyes – one moment she was the sweet, innocent and kind cynthia he met and grown to care for, and the next she was this stranger, completely unknown and distant. ethan knew he had enough shit to deal with as it was – with his sister, with all the women in his life, so the best thing to do would be to walk away and just leave her alone. eventually he’d forget about her, forget about this god awful night, and be done with it. but he just couldn’t. he couldn’t leave her like this, when she was obviously in pain, something he still wasn’t sure he didn’t cause. “oh really?” he asked sarcastically. “usually when girls want me, they’re not bawling their eyes out sweetheart.” he didn’t want to be mean, in fact he was sorry the minute the words flew out of his mouth. but damn her, she wasn’t exactly helping.

he instantly softened when he took a good look at here, as she laid there like a broken doll in the middle of the sheets. her white porcelain skin made her look almost surreal and ethan felt such a strong urge to touch her, caress that skin he had to flex his hand a few times to keep himself from doing so. shit, he still wanted her, so bad, and it made him feel like a total bastard. the girl was obviously going through something, and he couldn’t stop thinking with his dick for a few minutes to deal with it? “obviously, it’s not nothing.” he muttered more to himself as he pulled on his boxer shorts. there were some things a man just didn’t want to deal with, naked. and this was one of them. “could you… just… put this on.” he draped his shirt over her. it was hard enough keeping his hands away, and she didn’t exactly help, wrapped in those sheets.

“look, i…” he started and then gave her a frank stare. “I’m just freaking out here a bit okay?” he admitted, completely honest. it was true, he was out of his mind. he had no idea why he had such a strong reaction to this, but she was sure as hell not sentimental. he could tell the difference between happy and sad tears, he wasn’t an idiot. “look, I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is going on.” his voice got angry now. well fuck her and her excuse, he had a right to know. I mean what kind of a woman brings a man to her bed and then starts crying in the middle of sex? what was she having, a sort of deja-fuck? did someone hurt her in the past, and now she was reminded about her ex? well, shit. he couldn’t exactly help with that. “did you, get hurt by someone?” it sucked if someone dumped you, he agreed but that was no reason to get all mopey about it. she just needs to learn how to pucker up and move on. and he had just the right way to do so. revenge sex was always the best tactic in his book, and ethan was more than willing to help.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Pon Maj 06, 2013 7:20 pm

tag, ethan smitten

she could hear the obvious change in his voice, going from that emphathic and sweet tone to a tone where he was frustrated with her at the least. and she could thank god for it. she didn't need his worries, just the same as she didn't need any questions. she didn't want him - nor anyone, for that matter - to see inside. to understand. she didn't need their patronizing looks and words of comfort. theo was bad enough as it was; but she wasn't entirely sure she even could bare the idea of someone else knowing about her deep shame, her undying pain. "perhaps you should have been fucking one of them, then," she said softly, looking away. there was no resentment in her voice; she wasn't offended at all, she was merely suggesting a better alternative for him, if he wasn't prepared to overlook her little slip. oh god, she hadn't cried about this for days now, the timing wasn't perfect at all, but the feeling of anxiety that overwhelmed her body was unstoppable at the time. she couldn't keep the tears inside.

she could see him rapidly pulling his boxers on in the corner of her eye. so it was done, then. then he covered her naked body with his shirt. she raised her eyebrows a bit, looking at the fabric, covering her skin. "alright," she finally sighed and slipped it onto her torso, taking her time trying to carefully attend every single button so that her chest would also be covered. if it pleased him. the first words he lead out were there simply to confirm, what she had known already. "i'm sorry if i freaked you out, it wasn't my intention," she finally said, still looking away, contemplating her long and thin fingers, still remaining as distant as ever.

she lead out a sigh again as she heard his next words. what did he expect? to have a debate club on the subject? was he some kind of god damn shrink or something? she didn't need a shrink, she just needed the crazy interrogations to finally stop. "i don't want to talk about it," she finally said quietly, as she got off the bed and made her way to the closed to find freshly washed panties. she didn't feel anything anymore; she didn't feel the lust before, but now the need to do it was gone as well. she was holding a pair of black lade underwear in her hands already, as she suddenly froze. was that just a terribly lucky guess.. or did he see a bruise somewhere? she was pretty sure most of them were already gone, perhaps some still remained on her back, but that wasn't exactly the part of her body that he'd be paying massive attention to tonight. "perhaps i was," she finally answered softly and gently, feeling new tears coming from behind her eyes. oh, fuck, not again. she quickly pulled up her panties, then she turned back and made a few steps closer to him. "i'm sorry," she said with a soft smile. "i really didn't mean to put you through that spectacle."

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Pet Maj 10, 2013 8:21 pm

tag; lovely cynthia srcek

what freaked him the most really, was the stark contrast between her words and the tone of her voice. by all means, she should have screamed at him. he was behaving terribly, saying that to her. but her soft voice almost undid him, nearly broke his heart if he was honest. and ethan davis wasn’t a soft soul. hell, he was convinced he was made out of a rock, especially after all the shit he’s been through. but somehow, with cynthia, something was different. “hey..” he called softly and swallowed. “that’s not what I mean, you know I want to be here… with you. I just kind of wished you wanted the same thing.” he added, almost ashamed. fuck, he should just get up, get dressed and leave while he still had some dignity left. it was strange, ethan thought, how different he might seem to her, and would any of his so called friends even recognize him right now. or would she if she saw him in his usual decorum, the way he was on the streets.

“it’s okay, don’t apologize.” he murmured. it really wasn’t her fault. he didn’t freak out because she cried, even though he had a hard time dealing with emotions sometimes. he freaked out because he was worried it was something he caused, and the last thing he wanted was to cause her pain. and, somehow, seeing her cry, so vulnerable in front of him, made this moment even more intimate than if they would be having sex. a little to intimate for his comfort. he wasn’t a total bastard, but he had slipped out of a few bedrooms in his lifetime, he left a few unanswered calls on his machine. but from the get to, he wanted to be different with cynthia. maybe that’s what freaked him out to most really. he watched her warily as she made her way towards the closet, and tired to ignore the effect her perfect body had on him. but then, he froze. maybe she was? what the fuck did that mean? he didn’t care if she didn’t want to talk about it, they were about to.

“like I said, it’s fine.” he repeated his earlier statement and slowly reached out to her hand and pulled her into his lap. she fit so perfectly in his arms, so tiny yet so perfect. “you can tell me you know, i’m pretty good at keeping secrets.” he murmured into her hair and pressed a kiss to her hair. he wasn’t sure why he wanted to know her secrets so bad, in fact as he was saying it, he was pretty sure talking about the past wasn’t a good idea. but maybe if she got it all out, she would be able to move on from the bastard that dumped her. “it was hardly a spectacle, you were just upset, I get it.” when she was back in his arms, he was able to relax a bit, even kiss her again. so he did, slowly, very lightly to see if she would stop him. and when she didn’t, he pushed her hair away slightly and kissed her neck. “is this okay?” he checked and continued his trail down her neck to her nape. sliding his shirt down her shoulder he kissed her there, and his eyes snapped open. was that… was that a bruise? he brushed the thought away and kissed her again but then frowned, and examined it more closely. it was. in fact, it look like… fingers. like somebody grabbed her very, very strongly. something very cold ran down his spine, his mind still blocking the truth from his mind as she gently pushed her away and looked in her eyes. the truth was there, the broken gaze, but still, he didn’t see it. “cynthia, what happened to you? tell me.” this time, he wasn’t asking. he was demanding.

[/quote]

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Sob Maj 11, 2013 8:28 pm

tag, ethan smitten

she felt her body fighting against what was about to come. he would have left if he didn't have the intention to learn the truth. the whole truth. the truth that she was certainly not prepared to give to him. she felt as if she was on trial, it was absurd; she felt like a criminal, hiding her guilt, although she basically understood that there was nothing she did wrong. "i do want the same thing," she sighed, wondering if she wasn't clear enough the first couple of times she told him the same thing. oh god, she desperately wanted him to fuck her, although she understood that her body was simply not prepared to take that step. she was still simply too fragile and fact remained, she could never again function quite normally. not when she could still see images of the night she was raped so clearly in her head. every touch felt forced, even when she wanted it to happen.

he pulled her into his lap, she willingly let him. her eyes were still avoided his, her heart started racing ash he started touching her again. it was as if she was trying to convince herself that everything was perfect, yet her whole system was screaming in terror and pain. "this has nothing to do with me trusting your ability to keep your mouth shout," she said quietly, yet with a strong tone, almost as if she was losing her patience because he didn't understand her. how could he? she was a piece of work, a truly damaged piece of work, something he had never experienced in his life before.. how could he, therefor, understand what she was going through? would it even make sense - telling him the truth? truly, saying 'i was raped' wouldn't even come close to the pain that her body and soul endured. he could never understand. she wasn't a casual rape victim, oh no. she was much more than that; she honestly didn't believe that, at this point, anyone on the world could be in more pain than she was. and that was why nobody could ever understand; it made sense, did it not?

she remained silent as he tried to comfort her; she didn't believe him. it seemed he simply told her what she needed to hear and for that, she was grateful, yet he needed to understand that at this point, she didn't need comfort. the only thing that she needed from him was to shut the hell up and fuck her, just like the plan was. he could just ignore the tears, telling himself he was simply fucking a crazy woman. was it too much to ask for? and then he started kissing her gently and at that point, for a second, she believed that things could go back to normal. she closed her eyes, leaning her head backwards, but then she felt him stop and she knew exactly what happened. her body froze, her eyes opened instantly, her body straightened up. his question was so obvious, it was as if he knew already, asking simply because he refused to believe it. she took a deep breath, then she whispered, her tone as cold as ice: "you know. you must have already figured it out by now."

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Sob Maj 11, 2013 9:26 pm

tag; lovely cynthia srcek

, also it will just kill him when she dies -.-

and there it was. the cold, harsh truth. the moment ethan realized it, everything made so much more sense. he couldn’t remember the last time he was filled with more rage, anger, betrayal and sadness than in that moment. she was… fuck. he couldn’t even think about it, much less say it. his hand stilled on her body, somehow it just felt so wrong to touch her after realizing it. carefully, much more careful than before he laid a hand on her thighs, trying to organize his thoughts. “you were…” clearing his throat he looked in her eyes, determined to find out. “how long ago?” he wanted, needed to know. “fuck, cynthia.” he muttered finally, and gently pushed her out of his lap, so she sat on the bed and stood up. still only wearing his boxers his tattoos were on full display under the moonlight, seeping through the windows. this was not happening, how was this happening to him. to her. she was… who could ever want to hurt her?

he stalked across the bedroom trying to calm himself down. “I’ll kill him. I swear to god Cynthia, just tell me who it was and I’ll make him sorry he was ever born.” he realized why he got to attached to her so quickly, she reminded him of cay, of her sister he failed to protect, of harper his childhood love that disappeared, of his foster mother that was killed, of saoirse he couldn’t reach. god damnit, he was one big walking failure. and there was such pain in her eyes, he wanted to march to whatever bastard did this to her and kill him with his bare hands. turning around he talked back and knelt by her side, between her knees. “cynthia,” he murmured softly, pulling her face closer to his. “tell me what do to, how can I make this better? just tell me.” he pleaded, desperately wanting to make it better.

kneeling there he realized something. god damn it. “why didn’t you tell me?” he asked in confusion. she was just going to… frowning he looked up, voicing his concern. “were you just… were you going to let me make love to you, after…” his throat closed and he swallowed hard. “is this your first time? after being raped?” he finally got the word out after nearly choking on it, and grabbed a fistful of sheets. he was so angry, so furious but not with her. with the situation, what happened to her, but not with what she did. she needed to take back control, he got that. and by god, he will help her do that. “I’ll do it, if you want me to, just tell me what you want cynth.” that’s how much he cared for her, that’s how much he wanted to help. it would kill him, to cause her any more pain, but she needed something, someone to help her. she looked so beautiful in the moonlight, when she just sat there, but now ethan finally understood why she looked like she didn’t believe him everytime he said it. she had been hurt so deeply, like no woman ever should be, and ethan was completely lost as to how he should help her.

[/quote]

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 12, 2013 8:47 am

tag, ethan smitten

so she was now naked in front of him. not like she was before, now she was completely stripped, the only thing still keeping her from bursting to tears was the cold mask she had put on. but he knew; he must have known before, but now he realized it in all it's complexity. she was ravaged by a beast and she could never get back to her old self. "few weeks ago," she murmured almost silently, feeling the need to shout, to scream at him, simply because he was forcing her to go down memory lane. she couldn't force herself to relive what had been done to her, and as he was trying to do so, she felt the urge to slap him, yet she remained fixed on the position he pushed her to, her eyes gazing at the wall. it wasn't his fault, this much she could rationally understand. but the fact remained that these questions were uncalled for, unneeded. they were bringing nothing more than additional pain.

she smiled at a very absent matter when he started talking about how he will kill her attacker. just like theo did. no. she will kill that nasty bastard, she already knew this much. and she will take comfort in his death and she well be delivered. she remained silent; he seemed just like a little boy, trying to make amends for what he had done previously in his life - or, from what she could tell, what he couldn't have done. he was just transferring the idea of himself, the savior, onto any situation appropriate. he wanted to save her? it was too late, too late by far to do so. of course, she did find it lovely, him being so caring; but he was ignorant if he thought that she could still be repaired, the damage undone. never. it could never be undone. he took her face in his hands, she looked him directly in the eyes as she told him what he never wanted to hear: "you can't." it was as if a cold silence covered the room completely for a few moments, then she explained herself yet again: "you can't.. fix this. some things are just meant to stay broken." she couldn't be saved anymore and it was heartbreaking, but that was reality for her. never again would she be the same.

"what do you mean, why?" she frowned, as if she wouldn't understand the question. "it's not exactly something i'd bring up during lunch break." it was the time they socialized the most, during her breaks at works, sometimes even when she was still on duty. what exactly did he expect from her? it was hard enough to talk about it without ever actually saying it - did he think she'd simply walk up to him, saying, hello, ethan, you know what happened to me yesterday, i got raped, and how was your night? she remained silent after what he asked; of course it was, wasn't it obvious? she understood the nature of his concern, but he had to understand that this was what she needed - to move on, to function properly again. "you can't do anything," she said, now with a gentle smile upon her lips again. "sinners will suffer the punishment they deserve."

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 19, 2013 5:04 pm

tag; lovely cynthia srcek

he was heartbroken. there was just no other words for it. he was completely shatter. and ethan had seen and done some terrible things in his life. and yet, this girl’s pain was completely killing him, and he had no idea why. when did he fall in love with her, to this stage that he was now so emotionally invested? he almost wanted to laugh at himself, his thoughts were so ridiculous. this wasn’t the ethan he was accustomed to. in fact this felt more like the guy he used to be, the guy that actually felt things, believed in things. the guy that cared. rubbing his face with his palms he tried to make sense of what he was thinking and sighed. “few weeks ago… fuck.” this was basically still fresh, and here he was, like the biggest idiot, rubbing it in, on a fresh unhealed wound. he had no idea how cynthia would get through this, or if she even could, but he sure as hell didn’t help things tonight. that was on him, he knew that. and he blamed himself.

she was right – he couldn’t fix it, he couldn’t fix her. no matter how much he tried. he knew she wouldn’t let him close enough in the first place. they may didn’t know each other all that well, but they knew each other enough for ethan to know when she closed down. and she was shutting him out. he needed to build her trust, slowly but surely, and then maybe once she had some more faith in him, she would let him in. let him help her, and maybe, just maybe she’ll be able to move on. “okay… okay…” he said quietly, not really sure why he was agreeing, but then gently grasped her hand. “you know this wasn’t your fault, right? this was that bastard’s fault, not yours.” he repeated once again. he knew about victims guilt, he’d seen it enough times, but he was damned if she was going to think this was on her. and her next statement just confirmed what he feared. “cynthia, stop it. you’re not… you’re not a sinner. and you don’t deserve any punishment. what you deserve is… to be loved.”

it was strange, saying it out loud but he knew he couldn’t make her understand it, at least not now. not tonight, after everything. but he will, eventually. “i think i better… go.” he said slowly, rubbing his face with his hands before looking down at her and gently placing a hand over hers. “I’m sorry about tonight… about… everything really.” he quietly added, not really sure why but he needed her to understand he was. heartbreakingly sorry. “can i see you around? I mean, I want things to be okay between us, please?” he didn’t want her to disappear on him, or act strange. there was more to her, and he couldn’t wait to find out, to find out who she really was behind all her heartbreak and pain.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 19, 2013 5:57 pm

tag, ethan smitten

note: okay so i just summed this up, yay!

she nodded in silence as he repeated what she had stated; yes, a few weeks ago, yes, it was still traumatic, yes, she knew that it was a bad move to invite him over. she understood everything with perfect clarity, perhaps she even understood it better than he could ever think she did. the situation.. it was incredibly messed up, but she knew how to fix it nevertheless. she knew that one death was needed, perhaps another in the end, her own, if the guilt would be too much to bare. but this much was certain; she needed to kill the person that dared to be so cruel to her. she needed to take away the life of the man that took her innocence and her purity away and made her into this.. empty shell that she now was.

she turned her face again to see his eyes; he was so sure of himself, he was so sure that he understood the situation.. perhaps he was freaked out a bit, but it was as if he was sure nevertheless, that he could some day fix the damage that had been done. and it was quite heartbreaking in all honesty; he meant everything he said. "yes.." she slowly murmured, but it was quite obvious that something was off. she didn't completely believe his words; sure, somewhere deep inside she understood it wasn't her fault, none of this was, but it was as if she always got herself caught up in situations like these. the man who raped her wasn't the first to turn voile in her company. theo did just the same, yet he.. he proved to be a different man. "not yet, perhaps," she responded to his words about her being a sinner - quietly. perhaps not in actions, no, but in thoughts she had already committed an act so disgusting that she knew she could never become pure again. not ever, not.. not in a million years. she was a sinner, and she was the one who needed to punish the person who turned her into this.

her hand reached out for his cheek and lingered there for a while as her eyes found his once more. "you really believe that," she said; it wasn't a question, it was a stated fact. this mush she believed - he truly wanted her to be loved, to be.. happy. but he couldn't understand - it could never happen, not really. "you should," she confirmed his words again. she didn't mean it in a bad way - but she simply felt it was for the best. they both needed some space after the events that occurred tonight. "it's not your fault," she whispered softly, trying to make him understand that this was all her mess, the mess that she alone needed to clean up. she quite slowly got off the bed and made a few steps to the door of her bedroom, pushing it open. "i'd like that," she said with the same soft tone, waiting for him to follow, to leave so that she could get her head sobered up. "you should come visit me at the cafe sometime, again," she said again after a few minutes when they were at her door and he was preparing to leave. "i'd like that," she repeated the sentence from before, a soft smile appearing on her face. yes, she would like him to stay with her. perhaps.. he really could make her feel loved someday. the door quietly closed behind him, as he disappeared in the hallway.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 19, 2013 9:19 pm

tag, theo, her undying love. smitten

note: to je to, srce mi razbija.

njeni koraki so odmevali po praznem hodniku stanovanjskega bloka; bila je v popolnem deliriju in korak za korakom se je zdel tuj. njeno telo je bilo premočeno, oblačila so se lepila na njeno telo, neprijeten vonj jo je preveval. njene veke so bile težke, na njeno dušo je sedel temen oblak; komaj je dihala. njeni krvavi prsti so se oprijeli kljuke, s tresočo roko je ključ vstavila v ključavnico in z veliko težavo ga je zavrtela. pred njo se je izrisalo stanovanje, prav takšno, kot ga je pustila. ključi so padli po tleh, pustili majhen zvok, ki je odmeval po praznem prostoru. praznem, kot je bila prazna njena duša. kljub temu, da je še dihala, je bila v tistem trenutku že mrtva. zdelo se ji je, da njeno srce več ne utripa v njenem ubogem, s krvo prežetem telescu. ničesar več ni bilo v njej, ne bolečine, ne strasti, samo tisto zavedanje, da je tukaj - zdaj, danes - konec. vrata je pustila odprta, ni imela moči, da bi se obrnila in jih zaprla za seboj. po nekaj korakih je pristala na tleh, njeno telo se je oprijelo čistega tepiha, njeni nohti so se zarili v trd material, po licih so se ji znovas ulile tihe solze. nihče je ne bo našel, še dolgo ne. bila je nihče in umorila je človeka. dva človeka; njega in sebe, kot stransko žrtev. zavedanje, da drugega izhoda ni, ji je ustavilo srce, med tem ko so solze še vedno v tišini lile po njenih licih. zunaj se je delala prva zora.

kdaj ga bodo našli? kdo ga bo našel? bodo.. bodo v tisti krvavi mlaki sploh prepoznali tisočkrat prestreljeno telo, ki si, kljub svojim zločinom, ni zaslužilo tako krute usode? bo že mrtva, ko bodo v tisti slepi ulici odjeknili prvi kriki na pomoč? spravila se je na majave noge, preko svojega torza je potegnila prekrvavljen pulover in ga odvrgla na tepih. po nekaj korakih je enako storila s kavbojkami; v spodnjem perilu je prikorakala do kuhinjskega predela dnevne sobe in iz prvega predala na levi vzela velik in oster kuhinjski nož. po licih so ji znova pričele teči solze, preprosto zaradi zavedanja, da počne tisto, česar si nikdar ne bi dovolila. tisto, česar stara oblika nje ne bi bila nikdar sposobna storiti. a počutila se je, kot v popolnem transu. njeni koraki so kasneje odmevali po laminatu, dokler ni končno pristala pred kopalnico. previdno je odrinila vrata, samo za trenutek je ujela svoj odsev v ogledalu.. njen obraz je bil krvav, njene oči popolnoma rdeče, pod njimi so se delali debeli kolobarji smrdela je po smrti.

nož je odložila na rob banje in sedla je vanjo, njeno suhceno telo je trepetalo, ko je prižgala vodo, ki je pričela počasi napolnjevati njeno malo krsto, dokler ni bila dovolj visoko, da je lahko celotno telo potopila pod vodno gladino. dvignila se je; voda je bila obarvana rdeče, njeno telo pa je te sledove tuje krvi počasi izgubljalo. nekaj trenutkov je kot onemela lutka obsedela na svojem mestu, nato pa je, končno, segla po nožu in s preprosto potezo urezala po svojem zapestju. levem. desnem. iz rane je pričela počasi polzeti kri; ni je imela v takem spominu, njegova je bila drugačna. zatulila je kot ranjena žival in po njenih licih so se usule solze, morda solze žalosti ali besa, morda solze olajšanja, ker je navsezadnje vedela, da je to eden izmed poslednjih trenutkov bolečine. bolečine, ki jo bo končala sama. po nekaj trenutkih ji je na veke pričela pritiskati neznana sila in zdelo se ji je, da je prišel njen čas. glavo je naslonila na rob kadi in zaprla je oči; zdaj je pred seboj videla obličje angelov in njeno telo je vzdrhtelo; potem pa je v daljavi zaslišala znan glas in grob prijem jo je samo za nekaj trenutkov vrnil nazaj na zemljo, nazaj v tisto kad, nazaj v roke človeka, ki jo je ljubil.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 19, 2013 9:55 pm

tag; my dearest srcek

Kdaj jo je videl nazadnje? Moralo je biti kakšen teden nazaj, ko je vsa navdušena v dlan prvič prijela pištolo. Moralo je biti takrat, ko se je prvič zavedal, da se je v njeni bližini začel počutiti preveč prijetno. Da se mu je ob pogledu nanjo na obraz prikradel tisti prijazen nasmešek, ki ga sicer ni bilo pogosto videti. In sedaj, po slabem tednu dni, jo je pogrešal. Pogrešal je tisto dekle, ki mu je takrat s smrtno resnim glasom ukazala naj se sleče, pogrešal je njene prste prepletene s svojimi in pogrešal je njen glas. Njen tako zelo spremenjen glas. Pot do njenega stanovanja je zdaj poznal že na pamet, in čeprav obiska ni naznanil, je vedel, da bo pri njej vse od tistega dogodka sredi gozda vedno dobrodošel. Morda bi lahko vse tisto tudi ponovila, zdaj in za vedno. Morda bi ji to moral predlagati že takrat, preden ji je dovolil preprosto odkorakati proč. Res bi ji moral. Pohitel je do vrat njenega stanovanja, ki so bila na strežaj odprta, kar sicer ni bilo v njeni navadi, toda, ker so mu po glavi skakale besede, ki si jih je želel deliti z njo, o tem ni pretirano razmišljal. Moral ji je povedati, da se je skupaj z njo spremenil tudi on. Da sta očitno absorbirala delčke karakterja drug drugega in našla način, način, na katerega bi bil pripravljen živeti. Skupaj z njo. »Cynthia?« je polglasno zaklical in zakorakal skozi hodnik, potem pa se ob pogledu na okrvavljen pulover vkopal v z madeži prekrit tepih. Kri. Od kod vsa ta kri? Kaj je storila? Kje za vraga je? »Cynthia, kje si?« se je sedaj zadrl nekoliko glasneje in iz poti umaknil stol, odrinil vrata spalnice, ki je bila v skorajda preveč popolnem stanju, nato pa opazil kapljice krvi, ki so vodile do njene kopalnice.

»Si v redu?« je povsem nepripravljen na tisto, kar ga je čakalo, vstopil in zalila ga je huda vročica. Kot da bi ga nekdo posadil na električno stol, morda še huje. Kot da bi mu nekdo iznenada prestrelil prstni koš in mu iztrgal srce. Kot da bi si ga nekdo želel mrtvega, razjarjenega, nesrečnega. Kot da mu je bilo trpljenje položeno v zibelko. Par sekund je lahko le gledal predse, strmel v njen upadel obraz, lovil mežike njenih mokrih trepalnic, ko se je vsaj deloma spravil k sebi pa je planil do kadi, kjer je onemogla ležala in s krepkim oprijemom zaobjel njeno golo telo. Vedel je, da nima časa. Nima časa za podrobnosti in udobje, vse kar je potreboval je bila ona. Živa. Zdrava. Njegova. Položil jo je na bele ploščice, ki jih je kri kaj kmalu prekrila v rdeče in ni točno vedel kaj naj stori prej. Kaj sploh naj stori. Kako za vraga naj reši svojo … svojo veliko ljubezen. »Kaj si storila, joj, zakaj je bilo tega treba?« se je spraševal, ko je dobro vedel, da mu odgovora ne bo zmožna podati, s tresočimi dlanmi pa je zaobjel njena zapestja, v katerih sta se risali dve veliko pregloboki rani. Rani, ki jih ne bi bil zmožen zakrpati niti najboljši zdravnik. »Kako … zakaj?« Ni našel besed, s katerimi bi opisal občutke, ki so dobesedno trgali njegovo notranjost, ni našel razlage za to kar je storila in ni našel primernih besed, s katerimi bi se opravičil, da ni prišel že prej. Ko bi le. Ko bi le prišel že prej in preprečil … vse to. Tako pa je lahko le sedel na okrvavljena tla poleg otrplega telesa dekleta, ki ga je ljubil bolj kot vse, strmeč v oči, ki so se zdele tako oddaljene, tako prazne.

Naslov sporočila: Re: apartment A5 Ned Maj 19, 2013 10:17 pm

tag, theo, her undying love. smitten

note: v naslednjem cynthia umre. )':

začutila je njegove roke, ki so jo potegnile iz vode, iz vode, ki jo je že skorajda posrkala vase, iz vode, ki je bila prepredena z njeno krvjo. slišala je lahko njen glas, ki jo je klical, kot bi pričakoval, da se bo vrnila k njemu, pa čeprav sta tisti trenutek oba vedela, da je to nemogoče. njen obraz so že obsijali angeli; vrnila se je edinole zato, da mu pove, da.. njeno tresoče telo v njegovih rokah se je zbudilo, njene oči so se s težavo odprle; pred seboj je videla silhueto, ki je ni znala izostriti, a pred seboj je lahko videla vse tiste znane poteze, ki so jo edinokrat v življenju naredile srečne. vzdrhtela je znova, čutila je, kako njeno tenko telesce zapuščajo še zadnji vzdihljaji, in vendar je hotela.. morala je.. odprla je usta, a iz njih je prišel samo uničen zavzdih, kot nekakšen jok, ki bi srce razparal še najbolj okrutnemu človeku na svetu.

"theo," je nato zašepetala skozi tresoče in prebledele ustnice. "prišel si," je nato zajokala in po licih so se ji znova usule solze, tokrat je bilo mogoče zagotovo reči, da so bile to solze olajšanja. bil je ob njej in ljubil jo je in hotel jo je za svojo in v njegovih rokah se je, kljub umiranju, počutila živo. edinole v njegovih rokah. "poslali so me nazaj," je nerazumljivo zašepetala, ko je skušala telo priviti k njegovemu, a zaradi masovne izgube krvi je bila povsem nesposobna telo kakorkoli premikati. še ustnice je odpirala s težavo; njene oči so se znova zaprle. "ubila sem človeka," je zaihtela v popolni bolečini ob zavedanju, da je lahko ona, prav ona, storila nekaj tako gnusnega. pred njenimi očmi so se znova prikazali prizori iz pretekle noči, njeni udarci po kvavem truplu, njen jok za človekom, ki ga je sovražila.. njeno dejanje, s katerim je nevede ubila še samo sebe.

theo bo razumel. theo jo je imel rad brezpogojno. ni bila sposobna jokati na glas, njene glasilke so bile na tej točki že tako šibke, da je komaj šepetala; morda popolnoma nerazumljivo. theo je prišel, da bi jo rešil. angel, ki jo bo pospremil iz tega pekla in ji odprl pot k novemu življenju. theo je bil njen angel. "prišel si, da bi me rešil.." je šepetala; znova je odprla oči, da bi lahko ujela njegove in tokrat je videla za odtenek jasneje in pred njenimi očmi so se prikazale ljubeče poteze njegovega obraza, obraza, ki ga je na tem svetu edinega ljubila, obraza, ki je edini na tem svetu ljubil njo. ena izmed njenih krvavih rok se je iztegnila, njeni prsti so se le nežno dotaknili njegovega lica, dokler ji ni roka kot mrtva znova padla po tleh. "vedno me rešiš," je zašepetala in znova so se njene oči zaprle. čutila je lahko, kako jo nenavadna sila trga iz telesa, edinole on jo je še zadrževal tam. v tem krutem in trdnem, v tem brezobzirnem svetu, za katerega ji ni bilo več mar.